I figured I have flooded my Facebook with enough emo rants about this over the 11 months, but in short. Me and my ex (we’ll call her by her nickname Miho) broke up last September… kinda… see she never gave me closure, but considering we haven’t talked since early last October… you’d think by now I’d be over it, considering she cheated on me at the end, and lied to me about so many things… not that I’m an angel, I fucked up too, not that bad I don’t think… but I know I made mistakes. Point is, I’ve been on dates, and no girl meshes with me or puts me first like she did (until the end). See, the thing is, I said she cheated, and she did. But it was after I nearly broke up with her but instead just said I wanted us to take things back a step and go out on dates more instead of just hanging out ALL the time. She then started an internet thing with another guy about a week later, and a month later when i was out of town he visited her, and then she moved out of her apt and quit her job to live with him in another state. I in a sense then instigated it. Had I not gone back to dates, I seriously think things would have turned out differently… and as a result… I’ve been in agony missing her for 11 months. I know she wasn’t perfect, and I’m aware of her faults… and mentally, she could blow her foot off with a shotgun and I wouldn’t care… but emotionally… I still feel so bonded to her, and I haven’t really been able to bond with anyone else sense her the same way… and that terrifies me. I have wounds that just won’t heal.
It was a 9-10 month long relationship, and I’ve been mourning it longer than it even lasted. I want to put this behind me… but I can’t trust myself to be alone in quiet, because my thoughts always go to memories or what if scenarios. So I keep music or audio lectures or TV or something on just to distract me from this gnawing pain that just saws through me. I’ve tried to not avoid it, to face it, and it just gets me uber depressed and practically suicidal, so I don’t think that is the most prudent response.
If anyone has any tips or suggestions… I’m open to them.
