My emo rant of the day.
I figured I have flooded my Facebook with enough emo rants about this over the 11 months, but in short. Me and my ex (we’ll call her by her nickname Miho) broke up last September… kinda… see she never gave me closure, but considering we haven’t talked since early last October… you’d think by now I’d be over it, considering she cheated on me at the end, and lied to me about so many things… not that I’m an angel, I fucked up too, not that bad I don’t think… but I know I made mistakes. Point is, I’ve been on dates, and no girl meshes with me or puts me first like she did (until the end). See, the thing is, I said she cheated, and she did. But it was after I nearly broke up with her but instead just said I wanted us to take things back a step and go out on dates more instead of just hanging out ALL the time. She then started an internet thing with another guy about a week later, and a month later when i was out of town he visited her, and then she moved out of her apt and quit her job to live with him in another state. I in a sense then instigated it. Had I not gone back to dates, I seriously think things would have turned out differently… and as a result… I’ve been in agony missing her for 11 months. I know she wasn’t perfect, and I’m aware of her faults… and mentally, she could blow her foot off with a shotgun and I wouldn’t care… but emotionally… I still feel so bonded to her, and I haven’t really been able to bond with anyone else sense her the same way… and that terrifies me. I have wounds that just won’t heal.
It was a 9-10 month long relationship, and I’ve been mourning it longer than it even lasted. I want to put this behind me… but I can’t trust myself to be alone in quiet, because my thoughts always go to memories or what if scenarios. So I keep music or audio lectures or TV or something on just to distract me from this gnawing pain that just saws through me. I’ve tried to not avoid it, to face it, and it just gets me uber depressed and practically suicidal, so I don’t think that is the most prudent response.
If anyone has any tips or suggestions… I’m open to them.
“A new order of philosophers is appearing; I shall venture to baptize them by a name not without danger. As far as I understand them, as far as they allow themselves to be understood—for it is their nature to WISH to remain something of a puzzle—these philosophers of the future might rightly, perhaps also wrongly, claim to be designated as “tempters.” This name itself is after all only an attempt, or, if it be preferred, a temptation” ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
10 months ago
All that you touch
And all that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
And all that you love
And all that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
And all that you give
And all that you deal
And all that you buy,
Beg, borrow or steal.
And all you create
And all you destroy
and all that you do
And all that you say.
And all that you eat
And everyone you meet
And all that you slight
And everyone you fight.
And all that is now
And all that is gone
And all that’s to come
And everything under the sun is in tune,
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.
Doctor Who… tsk tsk tsk…
So in the 5th Doctor Serial: Mawdryn Undead, a key part of the story is how if the Brigadier from like 1979 were to meet the Brigadier from 1983, it’d short out the space time continuum/break the laws of time/etc… the doctor ended up accidentally using this explosion to trigger a Time Lord piece of equipment to allow Mawdren and his friends to full come back to life so they could finally die. Okay, great, fine. But then in the Series 5 finale… Amy pond comes in contact with herself as a little girl and not much is made of it… Hmmm… see the conundrum…
11 months ago